Too Cool For School

[JPolen01]

Steve - didn't know you work for AECOM. Got any secrets on how I can win more bids with you guys? (in before anyone says lower your price)

[Senor_Taylor]

Wow Steve, hell of a story.

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[Apoc]

I guess it all looks honky dory on social media, but I just assume my long distance friends are dealing with or have dealt with, the same shit that sometimes makes life suck a little bit. I know the local ones do, we talk about it all the time. I go back and forth on sharing the things that were/are really hard, will it help someone else? Is it right for me to put it all out there without permission from an adult child? And yeah, I'm still ashamed and embarrassed by some of the things I really screwed up in my life so I guess I'm lucky most of it happened before social media. I doubt I would have shared the shit show part, maybe I will soon.

I decided, a few years ago, to share my mental health and substance abuse challenges on Facebook. I did this for two reasons: 

1) To overcome growing up in a family where these things were considered shameful, personal defects that you never spoke of
2) To help others understand that no matter how great my life looks, there is a real struggle behind many of my successes

I've had several people reach out to me privately to thank me for sharing and ask for feedback on how to address similar things in life. That has validated, to me, that I'm doing the right thing. If other people think I'm attention whoring or oversharing, that's their issue.

[D_Eclipse9916]

Wow Steve, hell of a story.

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This thread is very revealing to the struggles people go through. It also emphasizes the point that you don't know what people go through themselves; many never reveal their struggles.  There are a couple stories here where I never would have thought.

It also re-emphasizes the fact that an "out of college" or even just before you find yourself; you should not be comparing to those of us more well established.  It took us a long time to get there; and I can personally attest I make a lot less money than I thought I would or should be making.

I see a lot of people posting travel; I just want to chime in that not everyone at every point in their life is going to choose the same things.  My wife travelled extensively in her younger years (her mom and her went on BIG trips once a year, and her job even had her on a Coast Gaurd Boat in the arctic for a month!).  I didn't travel as much; but it just doesn't stir my soul.  I would rather a weekend at the track than a weekend in Europe or South America.  I have had people also try to "guilt" me into travelling more as I am not cultured in their opinion.  It's almost the same guilt trip of having material things, "Oh you just don't know what you are missing.  You haven't done it and you are worse of for not doing it".  That's just as bad as feeling like you need material things to prove your worth.  

Just try something once is my advice.  And then make sure you dive into whatever floats your passion.  I see more people regret floating through life without focusing on one thing; and hey, 5 years later you can move onto something else.  I have spent the past 10 years pretty heavily focused on motorsports and I don't regret a moment.  Looking to the future though?  We are human, we get bored with the same things.  People tell me I will regret leaving what I built; but I can see the exit coming for me.  Not quite yet, but soon.  I hope I don't regret holding on for the next 2 years.

[G.Irish]

I don't know if it's the fact that social media wasn't really a thing until right around when I graduated college, but I've always taken social media much the way I take advertising. When someone is trying to sell you something, they're gonna show you only the good parts. Except in social media they don't have to do the disclaimer like they do for pharmaceuticals. Side effects of stunting on social media include poor credit scores, stress related health issues such as irritable bowel syndrome, broken relationships, fear of repo men, impostor syndrome, FOMO, and chronic anxiety.

[Jake]

The social media thing is real. Nobody wants to post their struggles or hardships, or if they do, they don't post much about it. Driving home from Dominion and getting a phone call that my roommate had died really rocked my world, and seriously affected my life for about two years. Work performance suffered drastically, I'm sure there was some undiagnosed depression of sorts in there, and I finally dug myself out with my new job and new apartment. Alcoholism runs on both sides of my family (extended, not immediate) and has affected us in the past. My mom had cancer when I was 17 - thankfully caught early, 100% treatable, and she's been fine since, but was a scare.

This thread has been really interesting and honestly kinda nice to hear about others' struggles. I think it's easy to see things on social media and think everyone but you is living like a (relative) rock star, but here you are dealing with your shit and not having a fun time doing it. So, thanks to everyone who has shared some shit and shown what's been behind the smiling faces and fast cars of Instagram and Facebook.

That said, riffing kind of off of Steve's post... handle your business. If you need to step back from something and reassess what you're doing, do it. Legit friends will understand why you're doing that.

Fitness is also something I haven't seen mentioned much but worth bringing up. I got into a spin class when I was dealing with both Henry and hating my old job/boss. A friend was an instructor, convinced me to come out, and I really grew to love it. I could sit on a bike for an hour in a dark room, not have to think about anything outside of that room, and only do whatever the instructor said. An hour entirely, selfishly, to myself. It helped me re-focus a few times a week and get through the last few months of my job. It kept me positive when I was trying to move but had a lease to run out. I still go, and have added Solidcore to the mix (aggressive Pilates, ish) and both have that effect. Having somewhere to zone out and focus just on yourself is a really good thing, IMO. Getting a little #thicc-er has been a nice perk.

TLDR: Endorphins are helpful.

[ScottyB]

hey thanks for sharing that Steve. i think you've got a lot to be proud of.

[rherold9]

Since everyone is sharing I'll go ahead...

I was lucky and blessed enough to not graduate in any student loan debt due to a couple of reasons:

1. I have had a job since I was 10 years old. I took over mowing several lawns for my brother when he went to college. So I had money saved up. I also worked all the way through college.
2. My grandfather passed away my 1st year of college. He left enough money behind to allow my parents to pay for the rest of my tuition. I was about to take out student loans my 2nd year as that's all my parents would've been able to afford. I paid for rent, insurance, etc. with the money I had saved/current income in college.

When I got out of college I had like $1k in my name for money total as all of it had drained from bills and I started doing Hypderdrives/HPDEs. I thankfully worked at the track as well so it helped significantly to allow me to track my Mazda3 during college.

I nailed an internship at Capital One which helped so well after I graduated. I thought I completely bombed the interview. The sign on bonus helped pay for moving, bills, some more track time. I had 3 roommates in Richmond when I first got out of college and rent was about $700 for a place. I also started tracking more heavily, modding my car, going out every weekend with roommates, spending tons of money on shit, and I really didn't save too much money in actual savings for a couple years. I had been cycling on $4-8k in savings for the couple of years. I have though from the start been doing contributions on 401k since I've been here. Currently doing 14% total in the 401k with company match. When I started I was doing 20-25% into 401k and realized it was just too much so I've lowered it down

Capital One has also been very nice to us Software folks. We don't get much budge or say in promotion/pay raises/etc., but I was fortunate enough to receive 2 "market adjustments" and now a recent promotion. It has helped ease off a lot of expenses with this racing hobby as well as be able to put a lot of money away into savings/emergency fund. In 2018 and this year I have started putting more away. I'm very close to 5 months of emergency fund/savings. I'm pushing towards 6 months as seeing signs of the economy going to start on a down turn. I feel secure in my job as I've asserted myself and worked hard to be seen as a tech lead/sme on some software services as well many other things. As stated before, work hard, work smart, assert yourself early on, as you'll feel a lot more comfortable and be valuable to the company. I'm set for another promotion in probably a year or 1.5 years if I stick with it!

When I got out of college I also went overboard and purchased the 2500HD and lost about 7k down payment/interest as I sold it after a year to beak even on the remaining loan balance. It was just too expensive of a payment to constantly worry about if something happened with my job. So I broke even on it for a trade on the F150 and a lower payment. I also snagged the Miata for a steal and then sold the track rat Mazda3. Those two payments alone are less than the 2500HD single payment... Lesson learned, do not buy an expensive vehicle of college, unless you are willing to sacrifice a lesser quality of life for years as you pay it off.

I'm now just cruising along with only the 401k and small amount in a roth IRA as I build up the savings. I will then start put more into retirement. To help supplement racing costs I'm also going to start instructing with NASA as well as try to get in working with Bodymotion on some weekends. You can look at things to supplement costs as needed when you get out. Side jobs are of abundance if money is a concern! I also did get luckily and make about $1500 on the bitcoin craze. I wish I put more money in at the time, but happy with how it turned out as it went downhill quick haha. 

To share my thoughts on how I like to live is super simple. I'm young and want to have fun while I'm still young so I spend money and enjoy my hobbies while still saving just enough. Since I started saving so young I will actually be set to fully retire at 60 or earlier if I do part time work in a field I like. I don't like to get myself worked up on costs, analyzing everything as I realize that causes anxiety and stress on myself. So I take a look at bank account, credit card statements, my take home pay, etc. If I'm spending too much on one thing I cut back a little until I find a balance of what I enjoy most and how much money I have. For example, I obviously spend the most money on race car, but I also enjoy craft beer, video games, travel, etc. I prioritize what I like most and do a simple budget on a spreadsheet of my known expenses as well as planned expenses and see what money I have left over and decide on what to do with it. I've slowed down on the craft beer craze a bit as it was eating up a huge chunk of money the first half of 2018 for example. I still go try craft beer, but a little less frequent. There was a time a completely stopped tracking my car because I simply wasn't going to be able to afford it and continue to save, build a car, etc. So I worked for NASA to build credits up which I drove for free on the 1st half of the season in 2018. I also skipped the October event in 2018 last year because I didn't really have the money to pay for the entry, hotel, etc.. I said I skipped because of Greg the TT leader as that was a good excuse at the time, but I just didn't want to spend the money and have some come out of savings for the credit card payment as that's what my focus is on, build up an emergency fund at the moment.

Anyway, life is about finding your balance, priorities, etc. and kind of just acting on them without getting yourself worked up over it. I know I have had moments where I struggled with shit, but I'm a lot less vocal. Everyone will face life out of college in different ways, but I say act on what you want to do now while you are still young, ie. move to Colorado if you want to!

Overall, I've been super lucky and am very grateful for what has happened with Capital One. I would not be in the same place without the job. I've learned some good lessons on finances for sure. Credit Card in college has helped a lot to be able to do what I do today. Credit score is super important once you are out of school

Btw, I grew up all my life in Florida and have stayed in VA since college. Moving isn't half bad. You just have to make an effort to find friends, meet people, etc.

[Jewels]

I got married right after college. Worked at Sheetz until he was out of school. We lived with his parents during that time too. We moved to Manassas after he graduated and lived in the cheapest apartment we could find that wasn't in the ghetto. 2 years later we bought a town house in Manassas that was a short sale and needed work, but it was cheap in hindsight. I worked for a HVAC company until I was fired. That was probably the hardest thing for me to deal with, I wasn't fired for anything more than just not being a good fit culturally for the small company.

Not long after that we made the decision to move back to the Valley. I got a job at an ink company making about 32k in an area where Administrative jobs were paying about 25k. We sold our townhouse. And we bought a nice house in a subdivision not far from Harrisonburg. We soon got a dog, and 2 years later welcomed Nanners.

Life was good on paper. But about 18 months later, everything finally gave out from the stress. I moved out, separating as amicably as someone can possibly do.

I bought a townhouse and for the first time in almost 10 years, I lived alone. It was equal parts terrifying and life giving. In that first year, I learned a tremendous amount about myself. I grew up. I grew up in a way that I had never allowed myself previously.

I won't lie. While rediscovering myself, I have fought the little voice that says I am not enough, but pretty much ignore it now. There were dark days, but there were a lot of sunny ones too. I thought I'd fall apart, and I didn't. Not really anyway. I still work for the same company though as a single income of 35k, even for here, its a little tight from time to time.

But last year this time, I fell into a sweetheart of a deal on a little ranch style 3 bedroom house. Its got a big yard for my dog, and Nanners has a swing from a tree, and its in a nice quiet little town and I've got friends close to help when I need it.

Its good that Jake mentioned it, but I honestly believe that my growing interest in fitness probably did more for my life than anything else. I worked through a lot of anger moving a barbell around. I worked through a whole lot of feeling sorry for myself that way too. But mostly I enjoy feeling like I can do anything when I'm with my kiddo.

Life is what you make of it. And I have in the last few years made sure I was making mine great. I have a pretty great little life, but it isn't about the stuff I have or the money I have spent. Its about the adventure you are on, even if you don't adventure far.

[Gordonovski]

AECOM, of equal size. I just passed ten years with the company and have no real reason to leave. I recently took on a new role in Price-to-Win so they continue to support my growth and desire to try new things.

I didn't realize you were in procurement too, we should chat sometime...


Brandi, if you're seriously considering CO, I have a bunch of recently graduated buds out there that I could hook you up with, whether you're interested in grad school or just moving out for a job, they've done it.

Ninja edit: I'm not going to write out my story right now, but I don't think anyone has said this yet - take care of yourself and go to the doctor. I had an undiagnosed thyroid condition that got so bad I was basically on the couch or in bed (if not at work) for most of December and January.

[Steve85]

I guess it all looks honky dory on social media, but I just assume my long distance friends are dealing with or have dealt with, the same shit that sometimes makes life suck a little bit. I know the local ones do, we talk about it all the time. I go back and forth on sharing the things that were/are really hard, will it help someone else? Is it right for me to put it all out there without permission from an adult child? And yeah, I'm still ashamed and embarrassed by some of the things I really screwed up in my life so I guess I'm lucky most of it happened before social media. I doubt I would have shared the shit show part, maybe I will soon.

I decided, a few years ago, to share my mental health and substance abuse challenges on Facebook. I did this for two reasons: 

1) To overcome growing up in a family where these things were considered shameful, personal defects that you never spoke of
2) To help others understand that no matter how great my life looks, there is a real struggle behind many of my successes

I've had several people reach out to me privately to thank me for sharing and ask for feedback on how to address similar things in life. That has validated, to me, that I'm doing the right thing. If other people think I'm attention whoring or oversharing, that's their issue.

My embarrassment or shame was self inflicted in that my parents were 100% supportive and had always told me to come to them as needed no matter what. It was really from failing to capitalize on all the opportunities and advantages I had. 

I know doing #2 is important for the reasons you mentioned and it's really been hitting me lately that I need to do it. I can get deeper into the younger daughter's struggles, but, with my experience I was able to really connect with her when she came to us asking for help to get out of her bi-polar driven addiction. I need to make some effort to help or just be available to others who are struggling themselves or, what was even worse for me, watching their kid struggle. Especially for folks like you that probably felt like going to the parents wasn't an option.

Oh and I should mention, reading back how I presented my mom was unfair, it really was a mutual thing, I was ready and it was time. She was mostly making sure I wasn't getting tooo comfortable.

Steve - didn't know you work for AECOM. Got any secrets on how I can win more bids with you guys? (in before anyone says lower your price)

What business unit are you usually dealing with? What are you usually bidding on? I'm in the management services group so I don't see much in the construction business side. Unfortunately though, price is usually just about everything unless someone can truly deliver something innovative (or much quicker) worth paying more for.

[.RJ]

There's always that 'grass is greener' syndrome with getting out of NoVA. (are we opening that can of worms again...?)

Sometimes I regret not moving out of the area after college.  But I was also trying to move for all the wrong reasons and it wouldnt have changed anything.  And now things are awesome and I would have missed out on a lot of the fun shit I did with my franz post-college and its all worked out well for me.  My whole 20's were a car/motorcycle la vida bachelor, so¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[Ryan T]

One thing that has bee touched on here several times but is worth reiterating, have an emergency fund that you add to, but don’t touch. The recent government shutdown brought some surprises to my eyes about how unprepared some people are. Talkthing with a few coworkers, and even a few in management, they didn’t have the funds to survive more than a couple weeks without a paycheck; and, some of them were two income households with one of them being a non-government employee. We have a 9 month rainy day fund if both of us were out and, with just Sams income we could weather a shutdown event for around 18 months before we had to make some hard decisions. The piece of mind knowing you will be ok if the worst happens goes a long way. Plus, that fund can help you in the case of a catastrophic car failure or home repair need. Obviously, don’t expect to have that sort of cushion right out of the gate, but make a financial safety net a priority along with your 401k.

[Kaan]

I’m going to throw my hat into the ring… I’ll keep the story short.

Being financially conservative saved my butt. I graduated at 22 and went home to help my mom and stepdad fix up the house and sell it. My stepdad was between jobs and decided to go back to school to become a teacher. I spent most of my 20s helping them financially. Toward the end of my 20s into my mid 30s my biological father was a huge drain (his immigration status threatened my career and had to spend money to keep him out of trouble and to keep me working).

Add to this, student loans, etc… I felt “cash strapped” but not poor. Pinch pennies, look for check hobbies or entertainment… you survive pretty well.

In all this time I learned a lot of things. You are your own advocate for your salary. I was underpaid for most of my 20s and worked my butt off to catch up to my peers well into my 30s. You don’t under sell yourself in an interview so don’t be bought on the cheap. You also need to be prepared to back it up… your work ethic will show and it will show your bosses if you earned it or if you are first on the chopping block.

I stayed put for work, I didn’t move around a lot… my jobs were personally rewarding but that came at the salary expense. I don’t regret anything, everyones story is different… but without good financial habits I could be where a lot of my current coworkers are now (in debt, house poor, cant afford a furlough, cant afford a set of tires for their car, etc.).

I agree with most people… if you want to “move” do it now. Do it early in life when you are most flexible. As you get older you get tied to different things… significant others, jobs, etc.

One big piece of advice I give ALL my employees and anyone that will listen… at least put into retirement what your employer will match AND put in 50% of any raise you see (the tax man will come for you one day and you better be prepared to put 100% of your raises in tax deferred retirement plans lol). Time is on your side… letting the returns compile over 30 years, the money will be “good” for retirement (and you will need it… just go visit the political post). Do it as soon as you get the job… you wont miss money you don’t see.

[Jewels]

One thing that has bee touched on here several times but is worth reiterating, have an emergency fund that you add to, but don’t touch. The recent government shutdown brought some surprises to my eyes about how unprepared some people are. Talkthing with a few coworkers, and even a few in management, they didn’t have the funds to survive more than a couple weeks without a paycheck; and, some of them were two income households with one of them being a non-government employee. We have a 9 month rainy day fund if both of us were out and, with just Sams income we could weather a shutdown event for around 18 months before we had to make some hard decisions. The piece of mind knowing you will be ok if the worst happens goes a long way. Plus, that fund can help you in the case of a catastrophic car failure or home repair need. Obviously, don’t expect to have that sort of cushion right out of the gate, but make a financial safety net a priority along with your 401k.

So its funny, I've always tried to have enough money in savings to weather a storm, but wasn't particularly great at it when I was living the 2 income lifestyle.  Getting divorced was a harder adjustment financially then it was on a lot of other levels.  While I left our marriage with great credit and due to good financial decisions all around, I had enough money to pay off my car and put a down payment on my house, I did have a year or so where I still lived like I had some money to burn.  Everything got paid for, but honestly I spent a lot of money on junk for my kid, because I guess in a way I was making up for "ruining" her life.

We are well beyond that now, and I took the last year to put money back in savings to start growing so that God forbid something happen, I have at least a few months of money to live off of.  I am no where near that right now, but the only major debt I have is my house, and a CC that has a small balance.  I live a pretty meager existence compared to most here. I have to save for every big purchase, or I ask for it for Christmas from my parents.  There is a bit of helplessness in that, but I refuse to be in way big debt to keep up with the Joneses.

[*insertusernamehere*]

One thing that has bee touched on here several times but is worth reiterating, have an emergency fund that you add to, but don’t touch. The recent government shutdown brought some surprises to my eyes about how unprepared some people are. Talkthing with a few coworkers, and even a few in management, they didn’t have the funds to survive more than a couple weeks without a paycheck; and, some of them were two income households with one of them being a non-government employee. We have a 9 month rainy day fund if both of us were out and, with just Sams income we could weather a shutdown event for around 18 months before we had to make some hard decisions. The piece of mind knowing you will be ok if the worst happens goes a long way. Plus, that fund can help you in the case of a catastrophic car failure or home repair need. Obviously, don’t expect to have that sort of cushion right out of the gate, but make a financial safety net a priority along with your 401k.

Trying so dang hard at this, it's so difficult. Well, honestly its not, its mostly patience and I don't have that. I had done really well towards the end of last year and it was well worth it. But what is the best change is I've grown to be excited watching the emergency savings grow, the bigger it gets, the more comfortable I feel for sure. I'm more willing to spend less for the sake of saving these days, now if only time would move faster... or if I'd get paid more lol

[.RJ]

You are your own advocate for your salary

100% truth.

[WRXtranceformed]

Incredible story of digging deep and coming back Steve (and Chris too, you and I have talked about it before). It was sneaked in there in Steve's story but an awesome tip he had that I think is worth repeating is that you need to surround yourself with good people in your life. That includes friends and significant others. Bad ones can pull you down a really bad path that some people never recover from. I have also struggled with drinking in excess (understatement) in the past and I've talked about it here before, but a big part of that healing / moving on process I found is that you have to shed off certain social circles who enable you and who aren't supportive of you trying to better yourself. I "lost" one of my best friends down here because he couldn't "get" that I could hang out with him without having a drink. He was relentless and annoying about it every time we hung out for over two years, and I finally gave him an ultimatum that he couldn't deal with. There were other social circles I cut myself off from after high school and college because there was just no positivity coming out of them.

If anyone here is dealing with addiction and needs someone to talk to at any point, just DM me and we will keep it between us. I'm glad to offer wisdom / support having been completely sober now for almost 6 years.

[.RJ]

Thanks for sharing that, Lee. Watch addiction is more fun anyways

[RawrImAMonster]

One thing that has bee touched on here several times but is worth reiterating, have an emergency fund that you add to, but don’t touch. The recent government shutdown brought some surprises to my eyes about how unprepared some people are. Talkthing with a few coworkers, and even a few in management, they didn’t have the funds to survive more than a couple weeks without a paycheck; and, some of them were two income households with one of them being a non-government employee. We have a 9 month rainy day fund if both of us were out and, with just Sams income we could weather a shutdown event for around 18 months before we had to make some hard decisions. The piece of mind knowing you will be ok if the worst happens goes a long way. Plus, that fund can help you in the case of a catastrophic car failure or home repair need. Obviously, don’t expect to have that sort of cushion right out of the gate, but make a financial safety net a priority along with your 401k.

Trying so dang hard at this, it's so difficult. Well, honestly its not, its mostly patience and I don't have that. I had done really well towards the end of last year and it was well worth it. But what is the best change is I've grown to be excited watching the emergency savings grow, the bigger it gets, the more comfortable I feel for sure. I'm more willing to spend less for the sake of saving these days, now if only time would move faster... or if I'd get paid more lol

Don't you worry.  Time already feels like it moves faster every year and I just hit 30.