Electile Dysfunction (Current students plz look!)

[CaptainHenreh]

Man, I totally underestimated the amount of popcorn I would need for this "2020 DNC Candidate" battle royale would require.

I mean Bernie saying the marathon bomber should be able to vote while in prison? Woof. Kamala Harris being like 'fuck yeah, boi!' Double woof. 

Gon' be a good time, y'all. 

Let's play a game. It's called, "Fuck these people, and why, in alphabetical order."*

Republicans: 

• Donald J. Trump: Fuck this guy in 2016, grab him by the ballot and fuck him again in 2020. He's a New York Democrat and the last one of those we had as a two term president threw americans into concentration camps, trampled civil liberties, and invented the world's largest ponzi scheme. So, since DJT is FDR Part Deux, fuck them both. 
  
• Bill Weld: The worst parts of the libertarian party thinks he can run against God Emperor Trump in the primary? Fuck this guy. 
  

Democrats:

• Corey Booker: Blowhard grandstanding douche canoe. See Also: New York Democrat. (Jersey is just store-brand New York.) Also, my friend T-Bone said "fuck that guy."
  
• Pete Buttigieg: "My favorite book is Ulysses by James Joyce." AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH FUCK JAMES JOYCE, AND FUCK THIS GUY YOU'RE OUT
  
• Julian Castro: Who? Fuck this guy.
  
• John Delaney: Wait, the Peter guy from Deadpool? No? Oh thats ROB Delaney. Then fuck this guy.
  
• Tulsi Gabbard: Well she...I mean but what about the... hrm. 
  
• Kristin Gillibrand: Well IN ADDITION TO NEW YORK DEMOCRAT (i find myself typing this a lot but for real fuck FDR in the ear) She's a flipflopper, and anyone who says "As a mom/dad/podiatrist" can kiss my ass.
  
• Kamala Harris: Well say what you want about her, wait no you can't the police are already at your door oh god hide the dog.
  
• John Hickenlooper: ... is Boring. His track record in colorado isn't great, but he's otherwise fine thus not standing any chance of getting elected.
  
• Jay Enslee: ... is actually a green party candidate, c'mon you guys. 
  
• Amy Klobachar: Be honest, you have no idea who this is, do you? Also, pizza sauce is not a vegetable.
  
• Wayne Messam: THE UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU *gets gatoraded*
  
• Seth Moulton: Dude be serious. You seem like an OK guy and all but it's really hard to take you seriously when you basically don't have a platform. 
  
• Robert Francis O'Rourke: Ok, can we talk about this guy for a sec? I'm not gonna talk about his DUI everyone makes mistakes and I'm not gonna talk about his be-anything-you-want-to-be issue stances, and I'm not gonna talk about how he married into huge money but pretends he didn't or that he couldn't beat Ted Cruz but thinks he can beat Donald Trump. No, I wanna talk about Cult of the Dead Cow and how "Beto" was a founding member  holy shit when I was a wee nugget dialing into bbs's and buying issues of 2600 in cash THIS guy was doing some of the things I was reading about and that's really cool and not getting enough press #1 and he's not leveraging that he'd be the most cyber security conscious candidate ON THIS LIST #2, but fuck this guy for all the things  I said I wasn't gonna talk about. Nice run, bruh. Go home. 
  
• Tim Ryan: I look forward to the vice presidential debates between Tim Ryan and Mike Pence, where the dolls-eye stare of both of them hypnotize all the watchers into thinking they are Real Human Beings. 
  
• Bernie Sanders: You know I think the guy means well I really do. And who doesn't love Ben and Jerry's? Everyone loves B&J'. Hand me the Phish Food, me boyo. But he's a dead beat dad but simultaneously a lifetime politician who thinks that terrorists should be able to vote and the answer to our financial problems is to print more money. Fuck this guy.
  
• Eric Swalwell: Nuke this guy.
  
• Elizabeth Warren: So I think calling her Fauxcahontas is pretty inappropes there Mr. POTUS, but also calling yourself a native american and being...not that is definitely worthy of fuck-you-itude. That said, if she can teflon that stuff away I bet she'll be the candidate chosen by the Superdelegates to run, so there's...that.
  
• Marianne Williamson: Honestly? She seems nice. Like, in a very weird hippy way. She's like that Aunt you have that never married but has a ganesha tattoo on her shoulder and wears birkenstocks and skirts no matter how cold it was? Best of luck to you, Aunt Marie.
  
• Andrew Yang: UBI has been tried a bunch and it doesnt' work because it's a dumb idea as long as resource scarcity exists. Which you would KNOW if you paid attention to the very stinkin' field you are in. I would love a candidate that understands how we can continue  to leverage technology to make life better and more rich for everyone, but you aren't it. 
  

Honorable mention:
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*holy shit I honestly did not know how many there were when I started this post I actually learned some things. That said, anyone in this field is gonna get slam-dunked into oblivion by the pussy grabber, especially if they continue to pander to their base (who is going to vote for whoever gets the DNC nod anyway) and not reaching out across the aisle to people who maybe voted for Obama but not Hillary, or people who understand how math and markets work.