The Super Official Homeowners Thread

[*insertusernamehere*]

i hate sounding like "that guy" but i officially have a phantom dog shitter problem.

at first i didn't care..."oh someone forgot their baggies"...until it kept coming. this isn't little toy dog poops, i'm talking healthy child sized turd mountains, and its gone from never a problem to now piles of this stuff in like the last 10 days. about 2 feet into my grass along a 10 foot strip.

my house is right on an intersection in our subdivision that gets a lot of sidewalk traffic. i don't have surveillance to confirm who it is and i'm on good terms with my neighbors, or most people on the street who have big dogs, so i think its someone from another street who's just walking the dogs at odd hours and thinks he/she can get away with being an asshole to people they don't know and get away with it. as it turns out, in talking recently my neighbor across the street is dealing with it too. so, somebody's dog just can't make it past our street without unloading a loaf it seems.

i have to mow like every 4 days (thanks SE climate and bermuda grass) and my kid plays in the yard so this isn't just offensive, its getting in the way of me keeping the house up and unhealthy for my child and my neighbor's kids. for now i'm kicking it all into the sidewalk, because i'm not picking it up on principal.

i'm oddly divided. on one hand, i'm getting madder by the day. on the other hand, i'm a vengeful son of a bitch when it comes to people messing with what i try to keep nice, and i'm excited at the idea of devising a way to make the person responsible unhappy or uncomfortable. the HOA won't do a thing, because how could they, so i'm fixing this myself. i'm not dropping $$$ on a surveillance camera for that side of my house over some poop yet, and motion sprinklers are out due to the danger of a false alarm and soaking some poor jogger or kid since its right next to the sidewalk.

current plan: i heard this on the internet ( :lol: my search history must look so weird right now) and have to see if it works: i'm going to cook a shitload of bacon and save the grease. then, i'm going to pour the grease all over the current turd piles. apparently, the next time the dogs come back to the same spot, they'll smell the bacon and immediately devour the shits. shortly thereafter, hopefully when they get home, they'll get sick and throw the shit back up on the floor of said asshole's house. and i get to enjoy revenge-bacon.

we're doing a grocery run tonight, so let's see what 2 packs of Oscar Meyer's finest pig juices does. tune in to find out! same poopy time, same poopy channel.

See now I'm the asshole that'll get motion sensing lights, stick some airplane lights on the front of the house, walk out when they light up and yell "okay, it's you, you're the one, touch this grass one more time and see what happens."

True story here, my parents hated me for this (it's also aggressive and I'm too emotional, so don't judge me too hard but the point was made): we have 1 neighbor on both sides. They rent the house on one side and they live in the house on the other. Well one time I went home to visit and the renters had their 2 kids playing in our yard and driveway. My parents driveway is a decent length and we park in the back. I often come flying (relatively speaking) into my own spot. So I came flying round back and wham here's these two kids trying to cut out when they hear me coming. Don't look. Don't stop. Don't even hesitate and just ran right in front of me. I couldn't see them where they were behind the house so I don't see them til I'm about to turn into my spot. Thankfully, I slowed down enough and they ran straight inside through their back door. So I texted my mom and asked her if this is normal and she said no, shes actually pissed about it cause they knocked over her mint and thyme in the backyard one time. I'm livid cause I thought I just murdered someones kid on accident and learned this has been happening for a while to my parents dismay, so in my stupid rage walked on over and knocked on the door. The woman couldn't even say hi before I started, she didn't even know who I was, and I looked her dead in the face and said "I don't expect strays in my backyard and i don't have a speed limit, if you don't want an accident I suggest keeping the children in your own yard. You're lucky I found the brakes today." Walked away and my mom hasn't even seen the kids outside in their own yard since.