Project RS

[ScottyB]

so, in other news, i had to replace the driver's side steering rack boot. i went and bought a boot kit from EZSubaruParts.com, and a decent looking bag of parts showed up at my door with instructions in another language. no big deal, its just a rubber accordian right?

for us guys with UEL headers, the header merges about 3 inches underneath the driver's side boot and the heat just melts it. stupid design but the exhaust isn't OEM so nobody's to blame but me. anyway, the stock boot soldiered on half-ripped for about a year and i had previously made a little heat shield from aluminum flashing to try to deflect the worst which i think helped it last a little longer. so i decided to replace the boot before i put tires on, so that i could take the tie rod off and not have to give a shit about being careful since i was getting the car freshly aligned with the new tires anyway.

i did not take any pictures for reasons you will understand. i have taken minimal liberties in describing the actual event.

a $5.00 boot. "how hard can this be?" I said to my battle hardened, callous-handed self. Much like a star wars fan walking into the first ever showing of The Phantom Menace, so to was I calmly assured that this wouldn't turn into a laughable shit-heap of an effort because I can change the oil and stuff. Unbeknowest to me was the fact that non-subaru steering rack replacement boots fit like a speedo on Michael Moore (pause, absorb). like a good boy, i had "bought", i.e. Extendedly Rented a front-end service kit from Advanced Auto ahead of time to make popping the ball joint off the knuckle easy as pie. i had the car up, wheel off, brakes off, rotor off, header dropped and ball joint off in about an hour.

now i find that i don't have an open-end wrench to fit the tie rod. it would have been so easy to test this ahead of time. i am le dumb. 40 minutes later i have now acquired many wrenches. boom, tie rod end is off. a screwdriver-ectomy later the boot is off and i pay respect to its ravaged husk of a former self. new boot comes out of the plastic baggie all fresh and nice, ready to pop on and be out of my consciousness for as long as possible. small end goes over the inner tie rod with no drama. big end starts to go over steering rack body, then plants its ass and bottoms out. you ever see someone hauling back on a stubborn dog that decides it WILL NOT move another inch, and just drops its butt to the grass and doesn't give a damn if the collar squeezes over its head until its eyes pop out? that is this boot.

by now my fingertips are raw, it is high noon in NC and i can smell my flesh cooking, and people are literally gathering, most likely out of sincere concern, to watch as i am writhing on the ground trying to throw my weight into the tips of my fingers to pop this boot over the end of the rack. i am elated with a glimmer of hope as one side of the boot goes over the rack, only to cause the other side of the boot to pop completely off. i try this from alternating angles with similar results. children from the neighborhood stop with confused voices to ask my why my car is broken. their accompanying adults ask why i am not taking my car to the very highly rated garage down the street, and i attempt to explain that i'm "saving money" as i am surrounded by my collection of approximately $800 in tools and another $40 worth of wrenches i just bought an hour ago. i begin to sweat through the seat of my pants which makes me appear to have pissed myself.

over the next 2 hours i try almost everything i can think of. i am dehydrated and fairly sure i'm becoming delusional, as at one point i think i was actually trying to sneak up on the boot by looking away as if disinterested and then hurling myself at it and clamping down on it with all my might to try to force it onto the rack. i have but literally a millimeter more of movement before the boot will seat and i will be victorious. at this point i've put enough time into this that i'm very leary of using pliers lest they rip the rubber, since i have no idea if this thing will even actually fit the car anymore. but i cave, and go for my trusty vice grips and a screw driver - a deadly combo. i swiftly yank them from my now disheveled toolbox like the sword of Excelsior, shoulder-blade crawl back under the car like a retarded sea lion, and start giving this boot hell. the screwdriver pries the boot away enough to give the vice grips purchase. i am attacking this bastard from all sides. it cannot escape my rage. my wife comes out to check on me for fear that the grunting has meant the car has collapsed on top of me in an effort to release me from this suffering.

with a small, girlish war cry i pucker my buttocks and summon the ancient power of my inner spirit animal; the pygmy hippo. screwdriver on one side, vice grips on the other, i use all of my Beiber-esque frame to offer one final challenge to the Boot of Regret. and just like that...pop! it seats perfectly. it is done. i lay on the searing payment for a moment to regain consciousness and take note of my massively sunburned thighs. no! be strong...i must finish this. back under the car i slide the clamp over the large end of the boot to finally ensure it shall never again move from this place of resting. the clamp does not fit. it is approximately 1 mm too short.

40 minutes later i return with $2.50 worth of hose clamps.

the remaining hour is spent piecing the car back together in a swirling haze of dehydration and rank BO stench. i am thankful the shop where the car will be aligned tomorrow is only 3/4 mile up the street, because i'm only partially sure the car will be roadworthy once i get it back together. tools go back in all the wrong places in the toolbox. i forget to put the brake rotor on before the wheel. the powdered nitrile gloves i've just taken off leave white powder marks all over the inside of my car as if a crackhead has had a seizure in it. 4 shirts and 6 hours later i retire to my abode mostly in shame. that night i have nightmares that the first time I turn the wheel tomorrow the boot will pop back off the steering rack.

epilogue: that boot's goin nowhere. works like a champ. alignment was perfect. tie rod ends are still totally solid with no slop. if any of you subaru owners use a non-OEM steering rack boot i will come to your place of residence and elbow drop you in your sleep.

Cliff Notes: cheap parts can get right the fuck out.