How are you gentlemen?

[John]

From then on, if somebody hits me at all, the cops are coming to make a report unless it's the equivalent of a door ding.

Police aren't required to write a report if they deem the damage is under a certain threshold and/or nobody is injured. It all comes down to the discretion of the office, with 95% of the time will result in no report. Funny how your taxpayer dollars work, huh, especially when you count how many police on the side of the road "serving" the public.