09-17-2007, 02:13 PM
Oooh! ooh! Me Next!
I forgot my Virginia Beach Adventure rental car ruckus. Dave reminded me, so now you get two for one on the same day. Awesome, ok, let's go.
So a co-worker and I had to head down to our Virginia Beach office to do some shit. I did computer shit, he did some other shit, but the shit was of such shitty nature that it would take a full 8 hours of doin' shit to get the shit done that needed to get done. So four in the morning, my co-worker rolls up in our rental car:
![[Image: 363195.jpg]](http://xiamen-domybest-furniture-co.tradenote.net/images/users/000/340/129/363195.jpg)
Wait, no, that doesn't look right. Ah, here it is:
![[Image: 98_lincoln_towncar.jpg]](http://www.theautochannel.com/media/photos/lincoln/1998/98_lincoln_towncar.jpg)
Easy mistake to make. We were gonna haul ass in big pimpin' style all the way to Virginia Beach in a someyear Lincoln Town Car. They tried to give my coworker a PT Cruiser, but he said "Fuck that noise!" And talked him into this "Hot Rod Lincoln".
So, I got into the car, this plushy FLAT seat completely conforming to the shape of my ass, and I take account of my surroundings. Where there wasn't creamy white leather (Fine Corinthian Leather? Recardo Montalban says NO!) there was creamy white upholstry or faux wood grain, for truly discerning tastes.
![[Image: Lincoln%20Town%20Car%204.jpg]](http://www.hunterdoncountylimo.com/images/Lincoln%20Town%20Car%204.jpg)
Buckled in, I fiddled with the "melon in your back" setting, AKA lumbar support. I switched it from "watermelon" to "canteloupe" and looked at my co-worker, sipping a cup of water.
"You're going to want to finish that."
He gave me a puzzled look and said, "Why?" I shifted into "D" and asked him if he knew what that stood for. "Drive?" No, guess again. He looked at me, rolled down the window, threw his water out and tightened his seatbelt.
I then proceeded to lay the most glorious, perfect doughnut in that particular parking lot's history. I only stopped because the smoke was so thick I couldn't see, and I didn't want to run into a lightpole or something. I actually got a call later that afternoon asking if it was me who "broke in" the parking lot.
That was the best part of the trip.
On the road, it got a little warm with a laptop and two people breathing in the car, so I set the auto climate control down. And down. And lower. And fuck, it sure doesn't FEEL like 60 degrees in here. Then I notice the "auto" button. Mother fuck! Listen ford, when I press the temperature down button, (and thanks for putting it on the steering wheel) it's because I want the temperature to go down NOW. Not later, when I find the button. NOW. I can understand having a button to, you know, turn that shit off.
Now, my next complaint. The car was indeed very quiet most of the time. Very little road noise, no wind noise at all, we seemed to be in our own little containment booth...until you went for the power. Then, you got ALOT of noise. (Not power though, I'll get to that in a minute) Not a good V8 rumbly noise, not something that will frighten small children, but the sound not unlike a high speed fan five minutes before failure. But along with this noise, do you think there was any power? Oh no. There was zero power up top, the best way to accelerate on the highway was to gently put your foot into it, and try to give it as much throttle as possible without actually downshifting. On the bizzaro-world twist to this, it actually handled speed just fine. 90mph felt like 50, no sweat. No swaying, no feeling of imminent doom that by all accounts you should be feeling. My "oh-shit-o-meter" never went above a 5, so I don't know if that's just the massive weight of the car keeping the whole thing anchored or if the air suspension actually, does something.
AVG Fuel economy: 26.5 mpg. Not bad, really. It's about what I get out of the mazda, and the Lincoln is a whole lot bigger. The trunk and back seat are HUGE, (The better for pimping you with, my dear.) and the front bench seat is sort of cool, if you were the kind of person to get it on in the front seat.
Really, the thing that the Lincoln most made me feel was a longing for something better. I don't drive huge land yachts very often, and this was kind of nice. It was really big, comfortable, smooth, and it made me think 'Gee, what would a 7 series be like? Or a big MB? Or an Infiniti or Lexus? You know, something really nice." I think that's it's biggest failing. 10 years ago, this would have been an amazing car, with it's comfort, and features, and shit. 8 way power heated memory seats? Yeah, that's ballin'. A 1990 Audi CoupeQ had that too.
It really makes me want to drive a Caddy. Like, a new one. Cadillac in my mind has always been kind of a step or two above ford's luxury products, so maybe I'd like it. Shifting does kind of get to be a pain, but I wouldn't give it up to only have an auto, you dig?
Anyway, the moral of the story is that when you have a big RWD luxobarge rental, the "D" in PRND stands for "Doughnut".
I forgot my Virginia Beach Adventure rental car ruckus. Dave reminded me, so now you get two for one on the same day. Awesome, ok, let's go.
So a co-worker and I had to head down to our Virginia Beach office to do some shit. I did computer shit, he did some other shit, but the shit was of such shitty nature that it would take a full 8 hours of doin' shit to get the shit done that needed to get done. So four in the morning, my co-worker rolls up in our rental car:
Wait, no, that doesn't look right. Ah, here it is:
Easy mistake to make. We were gonna haul ass in big pimpin' style all the way to Virginia Beach in a someyear Lincoln Town Car. They tried to give my coworker a PT Cruiser, but he said "Fuck that noise!" And talked him into this "Hot Rod Lincoln".
So, I got into the car, this plushy FLAT seat completely conforming to the shape of my ass, and I take account of my surroundings. Where there wasn't creamy white leather (Fine Corinthian Leather? Recardo Montalban says NO!) there was creamy white upholstry or faux wood grain, for truly discerning tastes.
Buckled in, I fiddled with the "melon in your back" setting, AKA lumbar support. I switched it from "watermelon" to "canteloupe" and looked at my co-worker, sipping a cup of water.
"You're going to want to finish that."
He gave me a puzzled look and said, "Why?" I shifted into "D" and asked him if he knew what that stood for. "Drive?" No, guess again. He looked at me, rolled down the window, threw his water out and tightened his seatbelt.
I then proceeded to lay the most glorious, perfect doughnut in that particular parking lot's history. I only stopped because the smoke was so thick I couldn't see, and I didn't want to run into a lightpole or something. I actually got a call later that afternoon asking if it was me who "broke in" the parking lot.
That was the best part of the trip.
On the road, it got a little warm with a laptop and two people breathing in the car, so I set the auto climate control down. And down. And lower. And fuck, it sure doesn't FEEL like 60 degrees in here. Then I notice the "auto" button. Mother fuck! Listen ford, when I press the temperature down button, (and thanks for putting it on the steering wheel) it's because I want the temperature to go down NOW. Not later, when I find the button. NOW. I can understand having a button to, you know, turn that shit off.
Now, my next complaint. The car was indeed very quiet most of the time. Very little road noise, no wind noise at all, we seemed to be in our own little containment booth...until you went for the power. Then, you got ALOT of noise. (Not power though, I'll get to that in a minute) Not a good V8 rumbly noise, not something that will frighten small children, but the sound not unlike a high speed fan five minutes before failure. But along with this noise, do you think there was any power? Oh no. There was zero power up top, the best way to accelerate on the highway was to gently put your foot into it, and try to give it as much throttle as possible without actually downshifting. On the bizzaro-world twist to this, it actually handled speed just fine. 90mph felt like 50, no sweat. No swaying, no feeling of imminent doom that by all accounts you should be feeling. My "oh-shit-o-meter" never went above a 5, so I don't know if that's just the massive weight of the car keeping the whole thing anchored or if the air suspension actually, does something.
AVG Fuel economy: 26.5 mpg. Not bad, really. It's about what I get out of the mazda, and the Lincoln is a whole lot bigger. The trunk and back seat are HUGE, (The better for pimping you with, my dear.) and the front bench seat is sort of cool, if you were the kind of person to get it on in the front seat.
Really, the thing that the Lincoln most made me feel was a longing for something better. I don't drive huge land yachts very often, and this was kind of nice. It was really big, comfortable, smooth, and it made me think 'Gee, what would a 7 series be like? Or a big MB? Or an Infiniti or Lexus? You know, something really nice." I think that's it's biggest failing. 10 years ago, this would have been an amazing car, with it's comfort, and features, and shit. 8 way power heated memory seats? Yeah, that's ballin'. A 1990 Audi CoupeQ had that too.
It really makes me want to drive a Caddy. Like, a new one. Cadillac in my mind has always been kind of a step or two above ford's luxury products, so maybe I'd like it. Shifting does kind of get to be a pain, but I wouldn't give it up to only have an auto, you dig?
Anyway, the moral of the story is that when you have a big RWD luxobarge rental, the "D" in PRND stands for "Doughnut".
1987 Oldsmobile Cutlass 442