300 Semi-Review

[HAULN-SS]

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"I just saw a movie thatÔÇÖll give your eyes boners, make your balls scream and make you poop DVD copies of THE TRANSPORTER. ItÔÇÖs called 300. I donÔÇÖt know what the title has to do with the movie, but they couldÔÇÖve called it KITTENS MAKING CANDLES and itÔÇÖd still rule.

ItÔÇÖs about these 300 Greek dudes who stomp the sugar-coated shit out of like a million other dudes. I have a feeling that a lot of high school sports coaches are going to show this film to their teams before they play. Also, gay dudes and divorced women are going to use screen captures for computer wallpaper.

The movie takes place about a million years ago, and itÔÇÖs sort of like a prequel to SIN CITY. Except way less guns and cars but twice as much skull splitting. If you watch this movie and go into a Taco Bell, and say to the cashier, ÔÇ£I need some extra sauce packetsÔÇØ guess what? YouÔÇÖre getting twenty sauce packets because your face will punch him in the brain.

I canÔÇÖt spoil the plot because THANK GOD THERE ISNÔÇÖT ONE. Just ass kicking that kicks ass that, while said ass is getting kicked, is kicking yet more ass thatÔÇÖs hitting someoneÔÇÖs balls with a hammer made of ice but the ice is frozen whiskey.

TWO COOL THINGS ABOUT THE MOVIE AND ONE THING I DIDNÔÇÖT LIKE:

COOL THING ONE:
HEAVY METAL DURING BATTLE SCENES

Who gives a shit if the music isnÔÇÖt historically correct? LORD OF THE RINGS couldÔÇÖve used some Journey. This movie has that chu-CHUNG kind of metal that you hear in your head when your shift supervisor at WetzelÔÇÖs Pretzel is telling you that youÔÇÖll have to stay for clean up and you wish you had a sock filled with quarters in your hand.

COOL THING TWO:
FOES, MINI-BOSSES AND A BIG BOSS

Basically, the Greek dudes are fighting these Persian dudes, but the director, who must have a dick made of three machine guns, does it all like a video game. The Greeks fight every death metal video from the last ten years. ThereÔÇÖs wave after wave of giants, freaks, ninjas, mutants, wizards, and a hunchback who looks like heÔÇÖs got Rosie OÔÇÖDonnell on his back.

Would I have been happy if Dom DeLuise from HISTORY OF THE WORLD, PART I had shown up? Maybe, but this movie more than makes up for that glaring oversight.

NOT SO GOOD THING:
DUDE NUDITY (ÔÇ£DUDE-ITYÔÇØ)

These are Greek times, when there were a lot of naked women around. And there are some naked women in this film, but almost every naked woman scene has a muscular dude giving the screen an ass picnic. Dude-ity is something directors put in their movies so people will think theyÔÇÖre serious, I guess, and not just throwing in naked hotties.

Any directors reading this ÔÇô ITÔÇÖS OKAY TO JUST THROW IN NAKED HOTTIES.

CanÔÇÖt someone make a movie about naked Amazons and call it PAUSE BUTTON?

My final analysis is 300 the most ass-ruling movie IÔÇÖve seen this year, and will probably be the King of 2007 unless someone makes a movie where a pair of sentient boobs fights a werewolf."