09-27-2005, 08:11 AM
Sorry do long but it is hilarious......
Texas Chili Contest
If you can read this whole story without laughing
then there's no hope for
you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take
time to read this slowly. If
you pay attention to the first two judges, the
reaction of the third judge is
even better. For those of you who have lived in
Texas, you know how true
this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about
the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking
lot at the San Antonio City
Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster
named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the
last moment and I happened to
be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors
Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by
the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides, they told
me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted".
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is
this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two
beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more
peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of
children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off
two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
more beer when they saw the
look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN
CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back, now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced
from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the beermaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB
woman is starting to look
HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use
more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four
people behind me needed para
medics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
her that her chili had given
me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
by pouring beer directly
on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really
pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw those
rednecks.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili
Good balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and
I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally.
Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass
with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much
reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef
literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take
note that I am worried about
Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth,
pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye,
and the world sounds like it is
made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed
out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match
my shirt. At least
during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing
it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air,
I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my
stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
Judge #3 farted, passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot
chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
Texas Chili Contest
If you can read this whole story without laughing
then there's no hope for
you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take
time to read this slowly. If
you pay attention to the first two judges, the
reaction of the third judge is
even better. For those of you who have lived in
Texas, you know how true
this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about
the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking
lot at the San Antonio City
Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster
named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the
last moment and I happened to
be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors
Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by
the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides, they told
me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted".
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is
this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two
beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more
peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of
children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off
two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
more beer when they saw the
look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN
CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back, now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced
from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the beermaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB
woman is starting to look
HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use
more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four
people behind me needed para
medics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
her that her chili had given
me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
by pouring beer directly
on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really
pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw those
rednecks.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili
Good balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and
I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally.
Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass
with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much
reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef
literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take
note that I am worried about
Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth,
pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye,
and the world sounds like it is
made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed
out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match
my shirt. At least
during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing
it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air,
I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my
stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
Judge #3 farted, passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot
chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
Sean Thompson
NASA Mid-Atlantic Registrar
NASA Mid-Atlantic Registrar